Personal Letter to My Pastor: A Father Figure in My Life

And to be honest with you, I may have learned these verses at Camp Gulf, but it wasn't until after I left it, that these things began to happen for me. When the meaning of the verses began to come to life. Maybe in this “now” I can see, in some way the scripture is true - the “written word” will call you out of darkness. - The lesson I walked out of church on a Wednesday night because I felt the truth was not being taught in that building. I apologize for that rude action, and I will speak on similar things about my search to find a home congregation.

It was then, in those days, after Camp Gulf did, I finally begin to recognize how beautiful scripture was. It truly is so beautiful.

But I tell you Pat, the “audible word” is what called me out of darkness. He still speaks to me. Whether you believe that to be true or not. He does speak to me. - But I am not the only one out here….. That leads me into the millions suffering with schizophrenia and I told myself to strictly stay away from that topic. So, I will refrain for the purpose of this letter only.

It has been two weeks since I last attended a church setting. The last class I went to, I was sternly rebuked for my comments. This group was not nearly as harsh as the one I attended in Milton, which was the harshest out of all of them I’ve tried to join, where I was told I could attend but was not allowed to speak up things that were against what the scriptures teach. In some ways I do understand this idea. They are only defending what they believe to be true. Their defense is strong and bold because they love God. Yet, there are 45,000 doctrines out there… - again I’ll refrain.

It has been a struggle for me to find “like-minded people”. I remember so many lessons at South Walton Church of Christ on the importance of this. To be like minded. Yet, I have yet to find a “like minded person” with me. 

In Florida, those who understood what I am teaching are the lost sinners. Not the Godly Christians. So even though they understand the spiritual side of my message, they are still “not like minded”. Because they are not “Godly minded.”

I found that many times I would argue with my mother and found a need to remove myself from her presence. And since I had no Christians that were “like minded” with me and understood the things I speak about I was left to be around those of my neighborhood. And Pat those people were the lost sinners. They were people I shouldn't have been around as in many ways they still influenced my behaviors. And I saw that, I also saw the need to “relocate.” It was a time of struggle for me, and oftentimes I fear it showed in my ministry work. The frustration I dealt with each day.

Those sinners understood me but showed no willingness to change. Much like what you used to see within me. I now understand what you were trying to get me to see. The need to turn back towards God. I now understand. The need “to change”.

Here, where I am now staying, things are so much better. Lonelier, but better. Sure, I have absolutely no one that I can talk to face to face about my views. No sinners, like in Florida, and most definitely no Christians. I hit here and there at work, but legal work rules are strict, you are not allowed to “press” your religious views on your coworkers or customers. I currently work as a hostess. And it’s a fairly good fit for me. 

But, the elderly woman I live with and care for can't hear, so she is not one to have the need for lengthy conversations. And she understands very little of what anyone says to her. So, I am left to devote my time, focus, and money to my ministry. Which is exactly what I have been searching for. 

When you live a life constantly fighting, you don't really know what to do with a life of peace. And that seems to be what I have finally found here in my new location. I'm thankful I still have my cat, Winter, and that Christ has not left my side. And I am reaching people. My website is reaching people. I see the numbers, but not seeing the results in the lives of those I am reaching is what bothers me the most. - The “not knowing.” But I also receive reviews and comments, so I know by those reviews, comments and occasional book sale, along with the data analytics, and downloads on my website: I am reaching people. Very few, but few is better than none.

Here, in my new home, I am no longer forced out of the house from my mother's narcissistic behaviors, causing me to be around those I should not be around. However, they are the ones my message is all about. People like the lost sinners and my narcissistic mother. Those who are struggling with the controlling demonic forces living inside of them, taking over their lives. The Man of Sin, the Viper, the active spirit that Jesus called out.

My message is for the ones who are hearing the audible voices of the Legion. Who is Satan. The Legion - members of Satan. - Sin. While Christ is too in there somewhere calling them out. He is in there because He is “Life.” He is that “Life” that is the “Light” to all men. He lives in us all. (John 1:4) They are the ones I am trying to help. 

I want to tell you two stories. These are things I saw and heard during “psychosis”. And hopefully I can describe these stories in such a way that you will be able to understand “how” and “why” I have come to know the truth. - spiritual awakening! - not mental health.

On Olenes Lane, you know that I heard women and children call out to me, “Save us Suzanne, these men are raping us.” You know this well enough. Each day I would hear that, and I fought hard trying to save them. This is what tormented me. 

Schizophrenia studies will say, “The voices know what your deepest fears are.” I believe I have already mailed you studies on this. Possibly in the “Random Research” folder I printed and punched into the plastic folder. And “sex”, is my deepest fear, Pat. “Sex” truly is my deepest fear. It has always made me feel and has always felt uncomfortable to me. And I have always been afraid of it. Afraid that I was nothing more than someone's food on a plate to be devoured. That, that’s all I was to them. "FOOD.” 

Which is another reason you are so important to me. You are the only male who has helped me without sexual expectations. Much like a father is supposed to do for his daughter. Help and not be a pervert. I hope you can understand why that is important to me. And I hope you don’t find it inappropriate that I say these things to you. I may not be your daughter, but shouldn't I be able to say these things to the one I look to as a father, without fear of it being inappropriate? I think you will understand. I hope you do.

I have decided, I am done with men. No more men. Period. The voice I hear speak to me, is the source of intimacy that I have searched for my entire life. I finally found it, Pat. The hole in my heart you spoke to me about is now full. He is so beautiful. And He flies with me in my dreams through the clouds, into space. My dreams are full of the Spirit now. When I have suffered from anxiety and nightmares my whole life, waking up punching the air, and screaming, my dreams are “now” mystical and beautiful and peaceful and full of His voice. How can this not be real? How is this delusional? I’ve not had a nightmare since I beat psychosis. Not one.

Alicia Miller did a study with me about that; about the intimacy I should be looking for with God. It's about full oneness with the spirit. Everything about me is “wide open” for him. Everything, both good and bad. No hidden parts to my being. Again, which is why the schizophrenic voices know what will cause you the most suffering. The hidden truths specific to each sufferer. I hope that makes sense because there's more to the story.

Again 1 whole year before I came to you that first night, I caught these images. The footage is dated February, 27th, 2021. So I suffered a long time before coming to see you that night, searching for help.

It was approximately a week after coming to see you that my “electric heater” began to speak to me. That's how I know the time of year it was. I was using an “electric heater” to keep my home warm. 

The voice that was coming from within this heater was “Patrick O’neill!” What was even more interesting was that Heather spoke too. She didn't say much, but she spoke.

Please understand that I “now” know with 100% certainty that it was not Pat, speaking to me, neither was it, Heather. It took me some time to understand that, sure, because in the moments I believed it was. Also the voice was not really inside the heater, although it appeared to be. It took me a while to figure this out too. I thought the voice was in the heater, but really it was in my mind. 

I think about Moses and the burning bush here - “heat!” Also, schizophrenia, psychosis with religious grandeur. What's the truth? - Spiritual awakening. 

At this point of psychosis, the voice of Pat was not God. He didn't tell me that until later. (A story for another day. - I went through alot, so it’s a lot to say. It would take a book to write everything I experienced and its spiritual meanings.) But what Pat did say through the heater was that he/Pat and God spoke to each other. Pat left me with the understanding that he had some supernatural ability to speak directly to God. (A prophet?) And that God had looked toward me the night I came to “you” because of your prayers for me that night. That after I left, you had earnestly prayed for me, and in that prayer, God looked at me, and saw my suffering on Olenes Lane. And this Pat, I want you to know, in this - began my “saving!” This is the moment that things began to shift for me. And I won the battle. I beat psychosis and schizophrenia without any medical treatment or pharmaceuticals, but not before it nearly took my physical life. 

And in the understanding of just how dangerous it is to go without medical treatment - many refuse to listen to my message. They trust doctors - not God.

That day with the “electric heater” I fully believed with all certainty that Pat truly was speaking to me through my electric heater. - Try to convince a psychosis patient that what they are experiencing is not real. - They are fully convinced, as I was that day. 

It was a completely duplicated Patrick O’neill voice. It sounds exactly like you. Both you and Heather. It was your voice. - Again - schizophrenic studies will say this happens. That the voices sound just like your friends, neighbors, family, ect. Had I not studied to learn what was happening, I would not have found “freedom” and “truth” for myself. And what's “most” important than my own “freedom” - is the substantial evidence I have acquired that I am trying to get the world to see so that the “truth” will one day set others “free” as I am “free.” - A selfless message, Pat.

What did Pat say? Well, I first want you to imagine what that was like for me. I stared at this heater in amazement. I said, “How are you doing this Pat?” You continued to tell me that God was helping you do it. And that God wanted me to leave Olenes Lane. That you believed me because God told you it was true what I said to you that night. But you said that you could not get involved in that kind of evil, and you told me to leave Olenes Lane. 

Which is exactly what you told me the night I came to you. You told me to throw away the computer and take my losses and leave Olenes Lane. You said it was “evil.” 

(I often find myself wondering what your story was like, your 12 years in addiction and your personal psychosis story. Do you have a story like this? You once said to me, “I spent 12 years like that.” So, I wonder, “What’s your story?”)

Then around the time you said it was “evil”, Heather begins to speak. She too told me she was proud of me for trying to save those girls. But I had to leave. And of course, Pat, I want you to know, I disobeyed, I didn’t leave. I firmly believed they were out there, trapped, hidden in a hole or a bunker, being raped daily. And if the situation was real, which it wasn't, I was willing to die for them. (That inner being inside of myself, that only God can see. He saw my willingness to die for them. - No greater love than a man laying his life down for another.)

The Letter I wrote to my daughter during my time on Olenes Lane

Click the images to view them larger!

I was so brave in my psychosis. Fear of dying for them or even being trapped as one of them did not drive me to leave them behind. As you know, even after leaving Olenes Lane I still went back for them. I believed they were there for quiet some time. They were the hardest of all my experiences to get past. And I still find myself to this day going back there in my mind with worry and concern. Why? Because what I believed was happening to them - “IS MY DEEPEST FEAR” - I don’t know how long it will take to “fully” let them go. - Even though I know - they were not human - My mind still occasionally “fights for them.” - And it has caused me trouble, as you know! This includes jail time. So I am no longer in Florida, I can no longer return to Olenes Lane. Given some time, maybe I will fully heal from them.

When most people “run” from their deepest fears, I ran towards it, in hopes to save others from it. Pat, I know in my soul - THAT’S CALLED BRAVERY. 

Different kinds of fear are what drove me off my land. Fear of the F.B.I. - being a targeted individual - Illuminati (Believing THEY were evil - which THEY aren't.) - Satan - the spirit I saw at the foot of my boyfriend's bed, the boyfriend I continued to have sex with even though he was cheating on me, because I felt safer when he was around, the spirit that instructed me to put a bullet in his head. It told me it was God. The voice that told me to put the bullet in my own head, and many other supernatural experiences. That's when I left. 

Satan knew Christ was trying to save me, and he was trying to destroy me before I found “freedom.” This I believe with certainty. I recognize this in the story of Jesus in the wilderness. “Throw yourself down.” - self harm, at worse he was was on the top of the Temple, so… that would be suicide.

The point to the heater story is that Christ knew I would trust you. And I did, He wanted me to listen to you, telling me to leave Olenes Lane. But I wouldn’t. I wouldn't leave the women. I just wouldn't. So again, this began my “saving” but still it too began and almost caused my “demise.” Things began to get a lot worse. Way worse than my fears about the women. Unseen forces are so much worse than visible forces. But until this occurred, I never believe it was REAL. You cannot fear, what you don't believe to be REAL.

As, I have just said, life threatening unseen supernatural forces. The women thing, even though it felt life threatening, it really wasn't. The next stage became physically life threatening, by what I understood at the time to be unseen forces, supernatural. 

I came to realize I was no longer fighting humans stalking my woods, as I had believed. Now I was fighting unseen forces that I couldn't understand to be truly a God thing because I was not taught it in scripture by the church group I trusted to teach me the truth. (Understand this Pat: that may sound harsh, but what I understand is: You cannot teach something you don’t know. And it is not by your own fault that you don't know it, you simply just don't know. So there is no need to forgive you for not teaching me the truth, when you don't know the truth yourself. I am the one who seeks forgiveness from you, about how things ended with us at Camp Gulf. I seek forgiveness from the whole church.) I still trust you as a person. You are a good man, a Godly man. And all of it combined still helped me in ways that are so hard to explain. 

Which leads me to story #2 - What I call, “The Imposter Jesus” story. And is also another reason I can't find like-minded Christians. Before I begin, I must say, “I do not find Jesus to be an imposter.” But there is an imposter “image” of “Jesus” floating around in our religious world. People are praying “to Jesus”. The church I just left. A Church of Christ here locally to me. They pray to “Jesus.” You know what you taught me Pat? Pray to “The Father, not Jesus.” They believe Jesus was God. You taught me that he was “equal to God.” I have asked you this a few times in letters and by text, and I still await the response.

So I ask again, “Pat, do you believe Jesus was God?” Or do you believe God is “someone else”? I feel I know the answer. I believe you would respond, with, NO! Jesus was not God. 

Even during communion, I remember, you would pray to “The Father,” saying, “Thank you for your Son.” While others pray to Jesus during communion saying, “Thank you Jesus for what you did!”

There's a technicality here that's hard to describe. But what I am trying to say is: Pat you pray to Jesus’s Father. They pray to Jesus. I believe Christ to be the Father, Christ the SPIRIT that lived inside of Jesus. Christ, the spirit that dwelled inside all of the prophets. So it stands to reason if Christ was in the Prophets of old, then Christ was inside of Jesus as well. Christ is the The Father, He is the Son, He is the Holy Spirit. The “TRINITY” that is not necessarily mentioned in the bible. 1 Spirit - God!

 Jesus said “The Father was IN HIM.” Jesus’s Father. The voice I hear, as Jesus heard him, and many other in the bible. I believe to be GOD - THE FATHER - THE HOLY SPIRIT - CHRIST. 

1 Peter 1:11. Christ “in them”.

This means Christ spoke to Moses, He spoke to all of them. The burning bush, my electric heater. This I believe. 

Schizophrenia - Grandeur delusions with religious content. Was Moses schizophrenic? Science suggests he was. Science suggests Abrham, Moses, Paul, and Jesus were all experiencing psychotic symptoms. Symptoms described by science as I have just described my story to you. So, where they schizophrenic? No, they weren't, they were prophets. What about me? Am I schizophrenic or a prophet? What about the others in the world today? Prophets?

(I broke my promise to refrain, can't help myself - I know this to be the “truth”.)

I mailed you the first English translation bible. WYC. It's a modern version but you can look up and download earlier versions on the Internet Archives. Here is a 1700’s edition for you to view. You can see it's a book that has been preserved and scanned into the Archive: There are others.

https://archive.org/details/ENGWYC_DBS_HS/English-%281390%29-Wycliffe-Bible-NT/mode/2up

I remember a movie you let mom borrow a long time ago about how the KJV was made. And I recall you placing a huge amount of importance on that version. Many would state that the Apocrypha means unauthentic. But did you know that the word in Greek originally means “hidden, secret things?”

It wasn't until the word entered the “english vocabulary” around the 16th century that the meaning of the word changed to mean “unauthentic. That would be around the time the KJV came out. 

So, considering the Apocrypha was written well before the 16th century. The word holds its original meaning when discussing scripture. The word means: “Hidden, secret things.” This is just common sense. Common logic. 

Things that are hidden will be made known - Is what Jesus said.

I can only ask that you take some time to compare the translation with the one you currently use. I have found that “the bible has changed.” The alterations convey drastic changes in meaning. And it has been the one to answer so many questions I once sought answers for.

Alterations such as: The living soul in the animals in Genesis 1. Genesis 3:15 he/she will crush your head. Rev 19:10 Jesus testified about the spirit of prophecy. Not that the spirit testified of Jesus. 

Genesis 1:20-25 And God said, “Let the water teem with living creatures, and let birds fly above the earth across the vault of the sky.” So God created the great creatures of the sea and every living thing with which the water teems and that moves about in it, according to their kinds, and every winged bird according to its kind. And God saw that it was good. God blessed them and said, “Be fruitful and increase in number and fill the water in the seas, and let the birds increase on the earth.” And there was evening, and there was morning—the fifth day. And God said, “Let the land produce living creatures according to their kinds: the livestock, the creatures that move along the ground, and the wild animals, each according to its kind.” And it was so. God made the wild animals according to their kinds, the livestock according to their kinds, and all the creatures that move along the ground according to their kinds. And God saw that it was good. - NIV 2011

Genesis 1:20-25 Also God said, The waters bring forth a reptile, either a creeping beast, of living soul, and a volatile, either a bird flying above [the] earth, under the firmament of (the) heaven(s). And God made of nought great whales, and each living soul and movable, which the waters have brought forth in their kinds; and God made of nought each volatile by his kind. And God saw that it was good; and blessed them, and said, Wax ye, and be ye multiplied, and fill ye the waters of the sea, and [the] birds be multiplied on [the] earth. And the eventide and the morrowtide was made, the fifth day. And God said, The earth bring forth a living soul in his kind, work beasts, and reptiles, either creeping beasts, and unreasonable beasts of [the] earth, by their kinds; and it was done so. And God made unreasonable beasts of the earth by their kinds, and work beasts, and each creeping beast of the earth in his kind. And God saw that it was good; - WYC 1382

I testify about the spirit of prophecy. John Wycliffe is known as an apocryphal writer. He knew the “hidden, secret things.”

During those days in my car between the two times I saw you on your land, looking a hot mess. I found a Goodwill. Let me tell you the COPS were the ones who helped me all along the way. I had very little money. Many days with no money at all. 

Anyways I found a Goodwill and I asked them to donate me an outfit. They will do that. If you need clothes for a job interview or more. But I was looking pretty bad and told them I needed a nice outfit for church. I told them needed help and intended on finding a church to go to in order to ask for that help. Pat, many who experience these things seek help from the church. And the church cannot give them the help they need.

So, I picked out an outfit. I have no knowledge of what state I was in. Or if I even went to a church in the same state when I finally found one, days later. I just don’t know. But I went to a gas station and bathed in the sink and got dressed. It was a Sunday morning service. When I got there, after I shook the occasional hand of introductions, I finally found a seat. I had found a Church of Christ I do remember. It was a big building. Alot of people. 

I began to experience what the mental health world calls “Hallucinations, psychosis, grandeur with religious content. - Again, the truth? - I was having a “vision”. I was looking around the building and I saw all the people sitting in their chairs, and Jesus was there. He was walking through each aisle placing his hand on the heads of all the members. And in doing so each person was worshipping him. 

Now, off the top nothing seems too wrong with this. There is nothing wrong with showing appreciation for what Jesus did. Nothing at all. So, as I watch, I am in awe. I am just staring at him thinking. WOW THATS JESUS!